Some of my clients want to know when he or she is going to change. Will they invest more in the relationship? When are they going to open up and share their feelings? Will they stop working so hard, drinking, or cheating? The questions about when are they going to change are endless. There is a saying “When you are pointing the finger at someone, you have three pointing back at yourself.” Instead of wondering when they are going to change, put the focus back on yourself, and make the changes yourself.
Decades ago, a former boyfriend said to me, “You is all you ever have.” That was so powerful for me because it is true, in human form I only have myself. People will move away, leave, and die. I am totally powerless over other people’s behavior, as are you. However, you have power over your words, thoughts, and actions. My life began to change when I accepted that I was responsible for me and how I reacted to other people’s behaviors and actions was up to me. You can have that freedom too. At the same time, it is a good idea to bring in a partnership with God, Goddess, Angels, or whatever you choose to call it. This partnership is a safe place to go when you feel sad, lonely, scared, happy, or grateful.
Let’s get back to some of the questions that I am often asked. Will they invest more in the relationship? That depends on the person. Instead of wondering if they are going to change and make an investment in the relationship, ask yourself am I ready to spend time with somehow who doesn’t know how or is afraid to be in a committed relationship? If the answer is no, then it is time to move on. Perhaps, your love for this person is so strong, you are willing to stay. This is the time to start accepting them for where they are at, enjoy the time you are together, and enjoy your time apart. When you give someone acceptance, space and put your energy into your own life – it makes you more attractive and easy to be around.
When are they going to open up and share their feelings? Everyone was brought up differently, some had families that spoke about everything and hugged all the time. Yet another’s family never hugged nor aired their dirty laundry. Women find easier to express their feelings for the most part, and many men are not comfortable with their feelings. Nobody’s way is wrong, they are just a product of their environment. The way to encourage them to open up is to accept them where they are at and create an atmosphere of safety. When they do open up, do not criticize them for stating their opinion or feelings. It is important to allow them to proceed at their own pace.
The final question is will they stop working so hard, drinking, or cheating? It depends on the individual circumstances. You are powerless over changing them, they need to have the willingness to make changes, and take the action steps. You cannot do that for them. The only thing you can change is your reaction and attitude towards their behavior. Each case is different, some people need to leave, and others stay. The one thing I can promise is when you make changes it does ripple out, help others see the light, and perhaps encourage them to change. If not, it is time for you to be around more positive, healthy, and loving people who support your changes to grow to your ultimate potential.